Break Ups: A Guide

So. I’ve broken a lot of hearts — my own included. Here are some tips for getting through it.

You’ve realized you want to break up. No, you are not a piece of shit.

Things can be amazing and perfect and you learn from one another and then…you don’t. You change, they change, your heart changes, life moves on.

We’re crazy people, you guys. Get over it. Sometimes you fall out of love. You can even deeply love someone and still want to break up. My general advice here: are you going through other crazy things in your life? Are you exhausted? Will that change any time soon?

Maybe wait. Don’t break up around major work events, tournaments, holidays, or other avenues of stress — or, rather, don’t 100% trust your heart then. You’re tired. That’s okay. Let’s get through this work thing and then analyze everything else, okay? It’s going to be okay. Ask for help.

And, no, you are not a piece of shit. These things happen. Hug.

The Break Up: Tips & Tools For a Healthier, Better You!

So. You’re in a room together for a “talk.”

*shudder*

Don’t make too much eye contact. You’re breaking the heart of someone you love. That’s always hard, even if it’s mutual.

Wear clothes you feel comfortable and strong in.

You can do it. Stay focused. You’ve thought this through (please think it through first. But sometimes logic isn’t great here. Listen to you heart, take time, talk to them, decide. But honestly you’ll never really know one way or the other. You got this.)

If you’re sharing a home, you need transition time. Talk that through. Where are you staying? Know that beforehand. This is a negotiation. Have your facts, points, plans beforehand — the feelings will knock you in the face and make everything hard to think about.

Have an escape plan for the conversation. Talk, then leave. Leave once you get that panicky claustrophobia feeling (or, preferably, a little before then). Get out of there.

Trust your gut. You’re doing the right thing (probably?).

Don’t sit too close. Sitting on the arm of a couch or something helps you sit and be non-threatening, but also minimizes the chance of cuddling. Don’t fall into the cuddling. It’s too hard to leave. It’s too hard. It makes everything hard. You’re going to miss them. You love them. You’re used to being close. Get out of there. Hugs are okay, but cuddling is usually not helpful.

Adjusting Afterwards

It’s shitty for goddamn everyone.

Amazing, meh, or abusive relationship with a mutual or otherwise break-up — this is a major change in your life. It’s okay to feel lost or empty or overjoyed or exhausted or depressed or all of that, all at once. It’s okay. I’m sorry.

I make a draft email (without anyone in the to: box, don’t accidentally send this!!) and just…write whenever I really want to talk to them.

It’s okay to be angry.

Don’t fucking send the emails. No. Don’t do it.

No.

Reaching Out

It’s good to remember and appreciate someone and tell them that, but they’re processing and getting over you. Give them time. Give yourself time.

Reach out if you feel calm and ready and you want to share something positive.

Otherwise, I don’t recommend it. A calm, non-condescending, short message along the lines of thanking them for understanding or for a great relationship — and only after several months have passed, please.

Dating Within the Friend Circle?!

I recommend reaching out if you’re even vaguely dating someone here.

It’s polite and avoids a loud, terrifying blow-up later and it helps you two check in.

“Hey, um, so — I’m kind of interested in seeing Lily. Is that okay? I know it’s okay, I just wanted to touch base. Thanks man.”

You only need to do this for the first person. After that, it gets weird and unnecessary haha. This is a “hey, I’m moving on and still respect you. We cool?” type thing. You share friends. Don’t mess that up.

Don’t be an asshole.

Well, kind of be an asshole. But not too much of an asshole.

Whether breaking up or being broken up with, telling someone to fuck off is kind of legit. You’re hurt, everything is shitty, ugh life.

Ways to say this:

“Please just go.”

“Please don’t touch me.” Get up, move away from sitting near them.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I can’t. Please stop.”

Being polite, even while you’re crying, is…helpful. Don’t start a fight, man. Don’t yell. Everyone is hurt. Just get out of there.

Break-ups aren’t nice. They’re the worst. If you think it’s the right decision, trust yourself. Stick to it. Don’t stay when you’re not in love. Please don’t.

Don’t follow up with them about ways they could’ve been better. That is not helpful. That is not cool. No no no. Break up. Do not send a feedback survey.

Good luck.

Ugh. Break ups.

❤